Overheard (a sedoka)

20130621-092509.jpgLorenzo Durán – leaf art

Falling ochred leaf
sticks hard to rainy pavement –
she feels weighed down by her shame.

Deer footprints dissolve,
shunning old routes for the new –
she can find him at the bar.

Today at dverse we are trying our hand at the Japanese sedoka form. Join us!

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55 thoughts on “Overheard (a sedoka)

  1. very cool use of form…really like the elements….the leaf, her shame…the transition to the second it very cool in the dissolving deer footprints…the hinge for me is the trading old ways for new…well done, you got a lot of story in there…

  2. you really manage to tell a whole story with all the emotions running in the background in your sedoka…love the leaf art as well..this is amazing…it’s the details..like in your verse..

  3. …very beautiful Rowan… you have pulled a strong emotion between the lines of your tercets… a chuck full write with an extremely intriguing twist at the end.. great great piece of sedoka… smiles…

  4. well, what a turn up for the books in the lines 3 and 5. Very dramatic sudoka indeed.[ I presume like haiku, the plural is identical to the singular.]

  5. Sounds as if the deer have new routes but he does not. Like the comparison of the falling leaf sticking to the pavement to her feeling of being weighed down by shame.

  6. Oh man, I love this! Every last word is a perfect complement to the others, and the scenes it paints and wonderful. A shamed leaf- shamed from falling off the tree? My mind is awonder. Deer footprints dissolve- that is amazing poetry in wording. Awesome. -Mike

  7. Really lovely, high contrast blending of elemental nature with the modernity of pavement and implied romantic conflict (how I read it) . . . that makes your poem very true to how Samuel described the form and the function of the paired stanzas. I love this. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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